i'll never get my son because i'm still stuck living in this shitty hotel room. what kind of judge would let someone raise a child in a hotel room? i'll tell you want kind NONE!!!!! I want to raise the child but it seems that trying to raise him wouldn't be in the kids best interest. his mom gave up her rights to some woman she's known for only a few months. and if i don't take care of the kid then i'mma have to pay child support, which is gonna be hellish becasue i already have to pay 600 a month to live were i live now. how the hell am i gonna be able to eat? it gets hard to fight the good fight when you always lose. maybe i should have tried to cut my neck open instead of my arm. people tell me to be good and to keep going that it will get better. well guess what? it hasn't since people have been telling me for 6 years that it will be better to just get over it. some days i just sleep and sleep until i have to go to work. then i come home and sleep until my boss or someone calls me. i wish i could stop being a fucking joke for the higher powers and that i can finally be happy or die peacefully. but i know that i'll probably never really be happy. the most i will be at happy is having a shred of happiness then it being snatched away. but truthfully i'm tired of being unhappy so that everyone else can be happy. i'm tired of the only thing that brings me some kind of joy being my PC. i know it doesn't matter what i say or do cause tomorrow is gonna be me doing the same thing over and over again til i die.

i seem to be forgeting everything these days. i forget to shower (i smell ok though) i got some creatine to bulk up (looks extremly skinny) some new clothes (got new pants which i havn't had in years. new as in store bought not new as in second hand bin. also got shirts) i got condoms too (not like i'll ever use em, except to make ballon animals) i'm living in my own little arpartment thingy at the hotel (havn't had a sexy party yet, but i will soon :D) i'm happier than i've been for a while which is a major shock but my life still invovles me being on yahoo in chat rooms alot. but i try and stay out of them as much as i can. i'm thinking about bleaching my hair so that i can get green hair (always wanted green hair from the moment i saw someone with green hair.) i've been feeling like the bubble that surrounds my head is getting bigger or something because my thoughts don't feel trapped inside my head all the time anymore. now my thoughts float around my head but i can still sorta feel my thoughts anchored down to the inside of my head. i wonder if that means there's something wrong? i hope not i'm finally being happy not just going through the motions happy. people ask me how i am without me having to ask them first. i feel at peace alot too hell basically all the time. still working at the hotel still and i am moving on the first (i hope i am its 600 bucks for this room for the month.) well i'll try and Update you guys every 2-3 days. well i'll try to.